Relationship Advice

Am I qualified to share relationship advice? Probably not. At least, not from vast experience in a decades-long experience. However, I can share a few things.

I am 3 months out from getting married and I believe that, though I only have about 1.5 years of experience in this relationship, I have 30 years of experience of preparing for this. Actually, I believe that everyone’s life is the accumulation of experience for what lies ahead. That’s why I make such an effort to learn about so many things. At some point in life I will need to know about it, so why not spend time preparing now?

Watch History

The Queen’s Code

Okay, full disclosure right up front: as a man, it feels very weird watching this episode. It’s like tuning in to a conversation you know you shouldn’t be in but you start to hear some really insightful things so you keep eavesdropping. Alison Armstrong has been studying male and female relations and behaviors since the 90s and she has been sharing her findings over the years by hosting workshops and providing resources for women to understand men and themselves. She writes The Queen’s Code as a narrative story to explain the concepts she has found in her studies.

The quote above refers to an instance in the book where a female character explains to someone how every guy she starts to date eventually turns into the same ‘beer-beltching, pizza-eating, TV-watching slug’. They respond saying “some women turn frogs into princes. You, my dear, turn princes into frogs.” Armstrong says that this happened in her life and experienced someone being told this but that phrase actually meant so much to her. She previously had such a bad experience with men that she began to believe they were all just terrible slugs. Turns out that the men just react to how she treats them or behaves with them.

This is where her journey began and this is also where we begin - where we can start to learn. The reality is that both genders react to each other. We’re complimentary in many ways. Learning how women function and how men function and how the two interact is crucial to understanding personal relations.

I want to explain why I think this so important for both men and women to learn and then I’ll share some of the insights from the episode.

Knowing Them, and Knowing You

As I mentioned in the opening of the newsletter, I am getting married in 3 months. I am beyond excited! Over the time that my fiancé and I have been together, one of the things she has shared with me that stood out to her was my emotional intelligence (it sounds like I’m just boasting about how great I am, please bear with me). The reason I feel like studying Alison Armstrong’s work is worthwhile is because it’s knowledge like what she is sharing has helped me so much in my relationship.

Many times, the stereotype of men is that they don’t have a clue what’s going on with women, they’re idiots or lunkheads, only focused on ‘being a man’ or ‘being macho’. What if the better way of ‘being a man’ is to be more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, and to be aware of the same in your partner? I’ll tell you this. I love working with my hands and building things - in the vain of the traditional man. I also love being so keenly aware of what my fiancé might be feeling that I can connect with her on a deep and emotional level. I’m told that is rare in a man. To the men reading this, don’t we all just want to stand out and be rare?

Over the years in my life, I studied people’s behaviors. It’s how I could minister to students. I had to understand people. I can see the mannerisms of people and then decode some possibilities of why they must be feeling the way they feel or why they are acting the way they’re acting. What that means in my relationship is that I can watch and seek to understand why my fiancé does what she does. But not only that, this information is great also for self-discovery. Yes, I can use this knowledge to know others, but I can also use it to know myself.

Something happens.

• Why did that make me feel a certain way?

• Why did I react as such?

• Is my reaction good?

• Can it be improved?

• What can I do to react better in the future?

• What does this instance teach me about myself?

Through self-reflection, we can become better and better. Such is the drive to learn. I want to learn more because I can become better - become wiser. So, to everyone reading, I ask that you remain open to learning - even when it comes from a source that you may not normally learn from.

Advice Women [and Men] NEED to Hear

This is an incredible episode where the host seeks advice on understanding men. Through it, Alison Armstrong shares advice on understanding both men and women because in order to know how men work, you must know the things that women do and why. The opposite is also true.

For example, Armstrong shares insights on interruptions during conversations and why it’s perceived differently (there’s so much on this that builds on each other).

Men are open to connect when they don’t have a result to produce. Women seek connection and interrupt a man in his work (or even his rest). That interruption to men means that whatever they’re working on is not important. That’s why men seem irritated. They had a priority list and women had an interruption that told the man “your priority is wrong.” Even simple interruptions throughout a conversation tell a man “whatever you’re saying doesn’t matter, I need to connect now.”

And notice that. Women are not looking to disrespect the man. They are looking to connect. Men are not wanting to be irritated from all of this but in their mind “You have something important to say, why would I interrupt you?” However, men will interrupt. Why? If women don’t get to the point, if women don’t have a problem that they can address.

Men are surprisingly deep. It just takes a while to get there. Longer than women expect. Armstrong shares a practice called “Waiting for the Well” where women practice not interrupting men in a conversation - for a very long time. Eventually, a man will just keep explaining and will get to the end by saying “and Well, that’s all I’ve got to say about that.” In those conversations, the man wants to share so he can’t be interrupted. The woman only wants to connect so she wants to interject her thoughts. Though those interjections actually cut off the man. It’s a delicate balance and dance between the two.

At this point I’m just rattling off comparisons made in the episode and I hope it excites you as much as it does me.

• Both men and women agree that you should not state the obvious.

  • Women articulate that through “Well it’s obvious, he should just know.”

  • Men articulate that through “why should I have to say something that is obvious?”

• Appreciation

  • Men show appreciation through “take and use”. You gave them an opportunity to be vulnerable and they used it.

  • Women show appreciation through reciprocity. “I listened to you for an hour, now you listen to me for an hour.”

    • Men don’t work like that. The woman needs to exclaim “I need a turn” so that the man knows how he can provide for the woman.

And there’s a whole segment on how women disempower men. Turns out, it’s the exact same thing they do to other women and themselves. That’s where men come to balance out the women. Example: Women withhold appreciation from men. Why? “because why should I appreciate something they’re supposed to do?” Whatever is appreciated is repeated. Women don’t seek to appreciate men because they often don’t seek to appreciate themselves.

What about criticism? Women have little to no protection from criticism while men have 5 layers of protection. Men are so single focus that they literally don’t see the critical looks! Men, when criticized, run the remark through a litmus test of sorts.

• Is the comment true?

  • No. Then disregard.

  • Yes. Keep going with test.

• Do I respect the person the comment came from?

  • No. Then who cares?

  • Yes. That’s devastating. For someone you respect to think ill of you.

• Can the comment be addressed?

  • No. That’s just who I am then. Nobody is perfect. (incredible levels of self-acceptance)

  • Yes. Cool. Add it to the list of things to work on.

I love seeing the differences between men and women in how they react to things. All of this helps me understand how to relate to women and how to be more aware of myself and the reasons why I do things or the reasons why I act a certain way.

I really hope you take the time to listen to this episode. It’s so worthwhile in my opinion. Final Note: Armstrong mentions that The King’s Code is coming next year! So exciting! It’s a book like The Queen’s Code but for men!

Add to Watch Later:

• The Queen's Code: Advice Women NEED to Hear

• Relationship Expert: We’ve Been Lied To, Here’s What Men ACTUALLY Want

• Understanding The Minds of Men with Alison Armstrong

Psst. I made a Playlist on YouTube for the videos I’ve mentioned here so that you can always refer back to it!

Reading List

Atomic Habits by James Clear

This book has been an amazing journey learning more about the framework for building habits that last and have an exponential impact in your life. I’m going to do a review of the book in the coming weeks so that I can articulate my thoughts and takeaways from it to share with you all!

We Who Wrestle With God by Jordan B Peterson

In Section 2, Peterson elaborates on some concepts and facets discussed or introduced in Section 1. He explains the Garden of Eden, the creation of Adam, the necessity of Eve, and I’m about to get to the chapter on “the Eternal Sins of Eve and Adam”. One aspect of reading this book that has been so interesting is that all of this comes from a man, who is very intellectual - VERY intellectual - but is not a Christian. Or, at least, isn’t from an entirely Christian upbringing. So all these findings and observations are coming from someone reading the bible and studying it without others having told him what it says. It’s so fascinating to hear what he gets from the text and how he explains it and then to compare it to my personal theological beliefs and knowledge.

The Growth Log Library

I’ve compiled a list of the books that I mention in case you want to pick any of it up. Full disclosure, these are affiliate links. Doesn’t cost anything extra on your end, I just get a kickback if you use my link to make a purchase.