Crucial Conversations

Over the last month or so, I have been reading Crucial Conversations by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory. The team formed as they conducted their studies on what they called crucial moments. They claimed that “the root cause of many - if not most - human problems lies in how people behave when we disagree about high-stakes, emotional issues.” and so therefore they hypothesized that “dramatic improvements in organizational performance were possible if people learned the skills routinely practiced by those who have found a way to master these high-stakes, crucial moments.”

Essentially, they noticed that certain people handled high-stakes well and many others did not. They sought out those people and analyzed their behaviors or practices during those high-stakes moments with the goal of being able to equip people to have these same skills.

I was first exposed to this book a few years ago when I was in the midst of handling many high-stakes conversations. There was a tense situation that I had to moderate (in a sense) between the invested parties. At the time, I would say that I did not conduct these conversations well. I thought I articulated my thoughts but neither party seemed to receive my input nor liked the outcome - whatever the outcome even was. Which I guess is another indicator of how poorly that series of interactions went. I was recommended this book to help give insight to those kinds of situations.

Before the Conversation

The skill of being able to have a crucial conversation begins before you ever open your mouth. Many times, the cause of a poorly executed conversation is because we did not prepare ourselves to have such a conversation. As I read through this book, I’ll admit, the first few chapters seemed to be the most boring. However, once I got to the middle section - opening your mouth - then it all made sense. All the prep work done in the first few chapters sets up the frameworks for the conversation. Without doing the prep work, you have no idea where to go with the conversation.

1. Choose Your Topic (ch. 3)

You have to pick one topic to discuss. You might be frustrated by a bunch of things that the other person has done but you have to figure out what is the right topic to address so that you can move towards the outcome that you really want. They describe a process called “Unbundle, Choose, Simplify.” Unbundle is unpacking the issues at play, whether they’re related to Content, Pattern, or Relationship concerns. Choose your topic - the most relevant topic at the moment. And Simplify your topic into and clear statement so that you can maintain focus on the topic at hand. Sometimes the topic does shift during the conversation. This is a diversion from the main topic, and while it should be addressed at some point, it’s important for the crucial conversation to stay on the main topic so that it can actually be addressed.

2. Start with Heart (ch. 4)

Focus on what you really want. Part of having a productive conversation is knowing the desired end result. How many times do we get frustrated at someone because of a series of behaviors and it all blows up, you yell at them for doing what they’re doing, and they respond “What do you want me to do about it?” …Well? What is it that you want? What’s the root of what end result you would like to see? And are your actions showing the desire for that end result?

The questions to ask are:
- What am I acting like I really want?
- What do I really want? for me? for others? for the relationship?
- What should I do right now to move towards what I really want?

This has to begin with you. You are the only person that you are able to control. When you find yourself responding to the conversation with silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. Avoid “the Fool’s Choice” by thinking through what you want and what you don’t want. That way you avoid falling into behaviors that will end in results you did not desire.

3. Master Your Stories (ch. 5)

This is probably the main crux of everything when it comes to crucial conversations - understanding how you are behaving, what you’re feeling, and what story is creating those feelings. When we encounter a crucial moment, we often just feel a particular way and then act in response to those feelings. That is predicated on what you saw and heard.

I’ve heard this expressed in the marriage or relational context. Whenever you encounter a scenario where your partner did something and it made you upset, you can’t just say “You always [insert observed behavior that irritated you]”. For example, your partner forgets to wash the dishes one night. You see the dishes in the sink and in frustration yell at them “you never do the dishes! You always leave it for me! It’s like you don’t even care about doing anything around here!” Well, this isn’t going to achieve anything. Instead of yelling at them because of dirty dishes, the better way to have a civil discussion is to say “When you do this [insert action], it makes me feel like [insert what you feel].”

You see, we observe a situation and it makes us feel and respond in a certain way. But that is because of a story that we tell ourselves about why the person committed said action. In the book, they call this The Path to Action.

Understanding the Path to Action is the foundation for the entire process of having Crucial Conversations. The chapter is full of common story tropes that we encounter so it was well worth the read. We see/hear something and tell ourselves a story about what is happening and why. That’s what leads to our feelings and actions.

During the Conversation

You’ve done all the prep work and now it’s time to speak.

1. Learn to Look (ch. 6)

It’s important to be attentive to the conditions of a given conversation or scenario. Learning to look means paying attention to what people are saying and how they’re saying it. Whenever a conversation turns crucial, safety is threatened. People either turn to silence or violence. They either clam up and refuse to participate in the conversation or they get violent and combative with their words and demeanor. In this chapter, they offer a test you can take to find your own Style Under Stress (also available online). It’s really helpful to know your own predispositions so that you can take conscious steps to avoid falling into silence or violence.

2. Make it Safe (ch. 7)

Safety is the most important thing to maintain in a crucial conversation. Safety is established by Mutual Respect (showing that you care about the opposing party) and Mutual Purpose (showing that you care about the opposing party’s concerns). People who are able to navigate Crucial Conversations watch for signs of safety being established and they watch for when it is lost so that they can rebuild it.

3. State my Path (ch. 8)

This is it. This is culmination of it all. This is the conversation. In order to have a crucial conversation, this is the process for stating your viewpoint and walking through the issues at hand.

• Share your facts

  • Retrace your Path to Action to the source and find the facts. Start at the least controversial points to lay the foundation for your dialogue.

• Tell your story

  • Once you’ve stated the facts, tell the story that you have put together. You are just conveying what you have observed or interpreted from the facts that you stated.

• Ask for others’ paths

  • “We express our confidence by sharing our facts and stories clearly. We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views - and meaning it.” You cannot just steamroll your way through this conversation. It’s a dialogue, not a monologue. You have to leave space for people to share their stories, their observations from the set of facts that were stated at the beginning.

• Talk tentatively

  • Strike a blend between confidence in your viewpoints but also humility in being willing to hear out the other person.

• Encourage testing

  • Throughout the process, inviting the other person to share their observations and stories. This maintains safety throughout the dialogue. Part of having a crucial conversation is having the willingness to open yourself up to the other person. It’s important that you mean it though. Don’t fake opening up and welcoming criticism of your viewpoint only to lash back in anger because someone called you out. The book says to “encourage testing until your motive becomes obvious” meaning until people see that you truly care about reaching an end result that benefits both you and them.

4. Explore Others’ Paths (ch. 9)

This part of the last chapter is so important that they made an entire chapter just on how to listen to other people. There are two things covered: How to listen and how to disagree.

Listen with AMPP

• Ask to Get Things Rolling
  Be willing to stop filling the conversation with your own meaning and invite the other person to talk about their viewpoint.

• Mirror to Confirm Feelings
  As you listen, echo back to the person a description of what you are hearing and what you’re noticing in their mannerisms. “Mirroring magnifies safety because it demonstrates our genuine interest in and concern for others.” Mirroring also is a great way to get the person to go deeper. By mirroring what you’ve heard, the person responds by confirming or by clarifying their standpoint.

• Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story
  Along with the previous step, once you’ve heard the other person’s story, paraphrase is back to them so that they know they have been heard accurately.

• Prime When You’re Getting Nowhere
  If at any point in the dialogue you feel the person has more to say but hasn’t conveyed it, you can offer statements or questions of things that you may believe that the other person is thinking. This will help encourage them that it’s okay to venture into topics on a deeper level in order to come to a better understanding for both parties.

If You Disagree, Remember Your ABC’s

• Agree
  The book says that “most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over.” So when you come to something you disagree with, first begin with the areas you do agree in.

• Build
  Begin with the agreement and then build upon that thought by adding elements that were left out of the discussion.

• Compare
  “Rather that suggesting the other person is wrong, suggest that you differ.” Comparing your story versus their story and find the elements that are different. This is where it ties to the earlier section. Share your observations tentatively, inviting the other person to help compare it with their experience.

5. Retake Your Pen (ch. 10)

This chapter was so interesting. The premise is that when we go through these conversations, you need to be able to handle hearing hard things. They begin with a story from an organization called “The Other Side Academy”. It’s an organization that houses 120 felons - men and women. There is no staff at TOSA. No therapists, counselors, admin staff, nobody. Instead, each person that applies to stay at TOSA works at one of their man businesses. The Other Side Movers, The Other Side Builders, The Other Side Thrift Boutique to name a few. The whole point is that these felons learn to rebuild their lives by paying for their own living at this organization. That’s not the only thing though.

Every Tuesday and Friday the members participate in The Games. These Games are a tough challenge. They sit in groups of 20 and ruthlessly offer tough feedback and criticism to each other. It’s rough on the new guys. The older students tell everyone to “just listen. Then put it all in a bag and take it to your pillow tonight. There you can decide what is gold and what is crap.” The Games have a purpose. They help students “discover that they are the only sure source of their own sense of safety and worth….They stop blaming the world for how they feel and become responsible for their own serenity.”

When we’re in crucial conversations, we can’t bank on the person we’re talking to being skilled in dialogue. Some people might have a civilized conversation with you but many others might just run off some comments that sting - especially when their safety is threatened. So you have to do the work on your end to prepare to face that feedback.

The Feedback Cure

• Collect Yourself
  “Breathing deeply and slowly reminds you that you are safe.” Being mindful of your feelings and naming them as you feel them helps you gain power over your emotions. Reminding yourself of your safety and your own self worth helps you face the feedback you receive.

• Understand
  When feedback is offered, ask questions and ask for examples about the comments and then just listen. “It’s hard to beat yourself up when you’re busy solving a puzzle.” It’s advised to “detach yourself from what is being said as though it is being said about a third person.” By seeking to understand the feedback rather than internalizing it you can move throughout the dialogue without moving to silence or violence.

• Recover
  This is straight up a time out. By taking a break from the conversation, you can recollect yourself before continuing. “Give yourself permission to feel and recover from the experience before doing any evaluation of what you have heard.” TOSA students sometimes say ‘I will take a look at that.’ They don’t agree or disagree but they sincerely promise to look at what they were told on their own timeline.

• Engage
  “Examine what you were told.” Kind of like when the older students said to ‘take it home for later and then determine what is gold and what is crap.’ There’s almost always a kernel of truth in what people tell you. It’s helpful to ponder over what has been said and then return to the person acknowledging what you heard, what you accept, and what you commit to do in light of all of that.

We all have a pen - one that writes our value. Sometimes we give that pen to others and we care about what they think of us. That is ultimately up to you. You are the only one who determines your worth and value. You are the one who gives up or holds on to your pen.

Wrapping up the Conversation

1. Move to Action (ch. 11)

This is actually the only step in the concluding process of the conversation. The decision has to be clearly outlined. Decide how you will decide even. What’s important is that, now that you and the other person have gone over your stories and viewpoints, you clearly identify the actionable next steps and expectations of both parties.

Final Thoughts

I found this book very insightful for improving how I can have better Crucial Conversations. There’s a lot that I learned and I really enjoyed the journey breaking it all down too. If you got anything from this report on the book, I highly recommend picking up the book to be able to understand all the concepts more fully.

Watch History

Unlocking the Power of Great Questions

This video goes along with the main crux of the article this week. Here, Craig Groeschel outlines the 3 reasons for asking better questions:

1. Gaining knowledge and understanding

2. Develop deeper and stronger relationships

3. Help others grow and gain insight

Add to Watch Later:

• The Charisma Teacher: Psychology Of Why People Don't Like You! People Are Attracted To These Traits!

• Master Human Nature & Hack Your Way To Success - Steven Bartlett

• The Hardest Career Shift No One Talks About

Psst. I made a Playlist on YouTube for the videos I’ve mentioned here so that you can always refer back to it!

Reading List

Church Marketing 101 by Richard L. Reising

I read this book over the course of my honeymoon. I found it really interesting as I learned about some important factors of how to advertise churches but also what prompts people to invite others to their churches. I think I’ll write a little longer piece on this book so let me know if that is something that interests you!

Start With Why by Simon Sinek

Just like much of Simon Sinek’s work, I have heard a lot of the big ideas of this concept from him but it is great to read the book and get some more details on the steps of his thought processes. As always with Simon’s work though, there are some incredible insights for organizational leadership philosophy and I love learning more things like that. I’m keeping a little journal of notes I’m writing from each section so I’ll be able to give some specific takeaways in the future.

The Growth Log Library

I’ve compiled a list of the books that I mention in case you want to pick any of it up. Full disclosure, these are affiliate links. Doesn’t cost anything extra on your end, I just get a kickback if you use my link to make a purchase.